Conflict Resolution on the Internet

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Introduction


This is a pocketbook guide on how to deal with conflict on the internet. It’s by no means comprehensive, it’s just a quick summary of how I personally deal with it, and hopefully it might help some people too.

Typically conflict comes from aggressive behaviour (putting your needs/opinions above others’ forcefully) or passive aggressive behaviour (putting your needs above others’ surreptitiously).

To resolve conflict you must use assertive behaviour (making your needs/opinions known without overpowering others’).

To avoid conflict is a passive behaviour (putting others’ needs above your own) however on the internet I believe it is the most sensible route since bad behaviour is usually attention-seeking. You are putting your need not to be upset by someone else above their need to bait you.

These four behaviour types are defined by psychologists and therapists, and understanding them all can help you avoid unhelpful thinking. Click here for a handy chart with more info, and head to google and research Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for more info.


Method #1: Avoidance.


This is my favourite. It works particularly well with people that you know are not going to change their behaviour, are purposefully looking to get a rise out of someone, or who might have just been having a bad day and need some time to relax, or even when you are the one feeling ragey.

The internet is a big place, and when you can simply navigate to another page, there’s no reason why taking this approach is a bad idea. (Note: IRL the next method, resolution, is probably the best one since it’s likely you’ll have to deal with the same person again)

See an argument in process? Leave.
Feel like posting a vent journal? Don’t.
Receive an abrasive comment in your inbox? Ignore it.

Conflict requires two people. If someone is trying to start one, whether they are full of righteous belief or just trying to get attention, don’t respond. They will soon get bored and move onto easier pickings, or get angry that nobody listens to them, or in the best case scenario, have time to cool down and apologise for being inflammatory.

If you are the one feeling upset, take a moment to sit back, relax, and think about whether or not posting a journal about what bothers you will actually solve anything, or if it’s more likely just to upset other people. Just because you are feeling upset, doesn’t give you the right to upset other people.


Method #2: Resolution.


There is no reason why there should ever be a conflict between two rational people.

Conflict arises when two people have a differing view, and one or both of them are unable to give a little ground and accommodate the other person. If giving ground and moving boundaries isn’t an option, just keep off of each other's land. See Method #1: Avoidance.

If you want to try and resolve an issue, it is never ever done by setting up your walls with razor wire and mounted guns and banging your head against someone until they see your point of view. That’s called bullying. It’s not cool.

Before trying to resolve an issue, you must be in an assertive mindset. Think carefully (not emotionally) about what it is that upsets you about the other person’s issue, but equally think about why they might think or act that way. Approach them neutrally, and try some typical methods of communication such as the “to you to me” formula:

“I’m sorry that to you it seems like _____ because _____, but to me it seems like _____ because _____.”

Summarising what you think the other person is saying gives them a chance to see how their argument is coming across, and gives them a chance to correct it. Remember that their initial argument may not have been phrased the right way and you might not have interpreted it correctly. Give them a chance to amend what they are saying so you can better understand them.

If it appears they are unwilling to understand your point of view and resolve the issue, simply swap to Method #1, avoidance. You tried, that’s all you can do. Don’t dwell on it, some people are just unwilling to change.

If someone approaches you with this method, it’s important to see that they are making an effort not to overrule your opinion, so you should make the effort not to overrule theirs. Speak to them rationally and sensibly, and try to understand where they are coming from. You don’t have to agree with them, but there is never ever a reason why you should act aggressively.

You are never going to resolve a conflict, or not be renown for being argumentative, if you cannot understand a very important life rule:

An opinion that is not the same as yours is not dismissible. It is not wrong to have a different opinion.

To tell someone that they are completely and unequivocally wrong to think something is equally completely and unequivocally wrong. You are essentially saying “I am better than you, you are less equal than me”, by devaluing someone’s thoughts or opinions. Not cool.

Help them see and understand your point of view, do not force them to have the same one. 


Method #3: Conduct.


Acting appropriately on the internet can stop conflict from arising in the first place. How you act online is important. As Tim Burners-Lee (inventor of the WWW) says:

People [on the world wide web] were and are judged on what they say rather than who they are.
-Tim Burners-Lee, 1998 - www.w3.org/People/Berners-Lee/…

Whenever you post a comment, or a journal, that is all the internet sees of you. If you are constantly aggressive, or snide, a poor loser or are constantly negative, that is the only opinion someone will have of you because that attitude is all they ever see. They won’t know who you are, they will only know what you say, and they will remember you for that.

There is no excuse for upsetting someone by “writing something without thinking”. Saying something upsetting without thinking is a slightly different matter, since the distance between your brain’s instant reaction and your mouth is rather short (though it’s still not excusable to upset someone verbally either); you get very few chances to think before you act.

To type something aggressive you need to think about what you want to say, send the cue for every key press to your fingers, and ultimately make the conscious decision to press submit. You have ample time to stop and think and wonder if what you are about to say is going to upset someone, or cause or resolve conflict. The average paragraph is 600 characters long. Every key press you make writing a paragraph agressivly designed to upset someone means that you have thought about hurting this person 600 times. You’ve had 600 chances not to upset them. You’ve had 600 chances to think about what you are writing and rephrase it in a non-aggressive way. You’ve had 600 chances to change your mind and not press submit.

If you post that publicly then anyone that sees it, even the people it wasn’t intended for, is going to know that you are the type of person who thought about upsetting someone, had a chance not to, and yet did it anyway.

If you were having a bad day, and posted something “by accident”, the best thing to do is to apologise as soon as possible. Say sorry. Explain that you were upset, and don’t pass the blame on. Someone might have upset you and caused you to react, but remember that you had a chance not to upset someone too. Try and resolve the issue assertively, or move on.

The only reason conflict exists is because we create it.


Summary

  • If you see a conflict in progress on the internet, ignore it.
  • If you must react, do so with a clear mind and approach assertively not aggressively.
  • Never under any circumstances devalue someone’s opinion or belief because it is different to your own.
  • Resolve conflict by acting rationally, understanding that everyone is different, and there’s no reason we can’t all be different in the same place.
  • And if someone else can’t be rational, the internet is big enough that you don’t have to share their space anyway.
  • Act appropriately towards others.
  • Apologise for inappropriate behaviour.
  • Think about what you are saying before you say it.
  • Be assertive, not aggressive.
  • The only reason conflict exists is because we create it.
  • Don’t create conflict.


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byrch's avatar
Awesomeness! I hate conflict, fear it, get anxious over it, so I just try to totally avoid it :dummy: Well written out, and point on!